Ask Big Red

February 5, 2010
Filed under Entertainment

Dear Big Red,
I am a student who is constantly getting into trouble with teachers and administration. They are always telling me nonsense like, “Take your hat off!” or, “You can’t say that word in school!” What am I to do?
Sincerely,
Serving 365

Dear 365,
It’s called behavior management classes, and I’m surprised you have yet to be ordered by the courts to take them.
Yours truly,
Big Red

Dear Big Red,
Valentine’s Day is right around the corner, and I am once again going to spend it alone. How do I ease the pain?
Sincerely,
Hopeless Romantic

Dear Hopeless,
Now would be a great time to resurrect that fake lover from last year. You know, the one you made up to make it sound like you weren’t going to Homecoming alone…again.
Yours truly,
Big Red

Dear Big Red,
My boyfriend is acting really weird. He’s been spending a lot of time with this new guy in our school, and when I say a lot of time, I mean A LOT of time. What does this mean?
Sincerely,
Worried Sick

Dear Worried,
Well a supposed “good advice giver” would tell you to confront him, but being the marvel that I am, I suggest that you purchase and install the new Super-invasive-in-your-face-up-close-and-personal 4500 from Spytech. If that doesn’t work, nothing will.
Yours truly,
Big Red