Ask Big Red

February 28, 2010
Filed under Entertainment

Dear Big Red,
As you know we have received quite a bit of snow lately. My driveway and yard have become one and the walkway to my porch has yet to be seen. However, this fluffy white stuff is not my main problem; it’s the slick sheet of taunting ice that lies beneath. I have shoveled away the white blanket that hid the ice hoping it would get some time in the sun and I have thrown countless bags of shavings in hopes of getting enough traction to escape my winter wonderland. Sadly all of my attempts have ended in a muddy mess with my car fish-tailing and driveway resembling the Grand Canyon. This messy mix of mudbogging madness and ice skating Michelins must stop. What should I do?
Sincerely,
Accidental Mudbogger

Dear Accidental Mudbogger,
Although having a mini Grand Canyon in your driveway could be a lot of fun and having your very own mudbog in your backyard could give you lots of new friends at Spotsy, I sympathize with your need to break free from the icy chains of winter. If traction is what you seek, then maybe nail some carpet to your driveway, I happen to have some very nice ice-picks and a hammer just in case you’re interested. If you want to eliminate the ice totally, then I have an idea that involves hair dryers, mini heaters and a very long extension cord. If these two options are too extreme, then stop being a penny pincher and purchase a four-wheel-drive vehicle – it would be a good investment. Good luck with whatever option you choose.
Sincerely,
Big Red

Dear Big Red,
My feet are cold and my toes are frozen. See, I wear flip flops, because they’re totally my favorite type of shoes to wear and are easy to slip on in the morning. That and they’re just so cute, and I enjoy seeing my painted little piggy’s when I look down at my feet. The only problem is, my feet are always freezing. See, there is this stuff on the ground called snow, not sure if you’ve heard of it, and it’s like ice! So, to try and keep my feel nice and warm, I’ve been wearing Crocs, the bright pink kind because those are just so cute! But my feet are still cold and water keeps getting in. What should I do? Should I like, tape the holes up?
Help!
Frozen Piggy’s

Dear Frozen Piggy’s,
Snow is like ice? I wasn’t aware, but that explains why when it snows I get ice on my wind shield. I thought snow was like a hot tub and warm; guess you taught me that I was wrong! Alright, seriously now, let’s solve your feet problem. First of all, take off those crocs and toss those things away, they are most defiantly not cute. Not even being pink will make them cute. Second, flip flops in the winter? Are you nuts? It’s a wonder why you haven’t gotten frost bite yet, though I’m sure no one would miss your little piggies. Go out and buy yourself some hard duty shoes. Heck, go out and buy those pok-a-dotted rain boots that are up at Wal-Mart. They’re Pink, which must mean they are some form of cute. Otherwise, girl, you best be getting up to Payless. They’re running their buy one get one half off sales; you could get a couple pairs of flip flops. And, if you really want, you can tape those onto your feet for some protection.
Sincerely,
Big Red