Photo Credit: Taylor Dunavant
Samantha Simpson, Editor
February 23, 2011
Filed under Opinion & Editorial
As a world, we have successfully ushered in a new millennium sans Y2K-meltdown, have weathered many natural and manmade disasters, and have seen fashion trends come and go. In an era where Lady Gaga’s fashion sense is more important than a war, what can we come to expect this year?
Luckily for you normal humans, you have the Spotsylvania Knights to tell you what you’re wearing is wrong and why it is that way. Allow us to lead you further into the second decade of the new millennium with fashion savvy and heavy-handed criticism formed to make YOUR life better with these five suggestions.
5. Coon-skin caps paired with the hide of a lion.
We have found that recently, we are moving away from what has become obscenely popular in the male species in the last several years. Metrosexual men are no longer welcome in the modern female dating palette. Women are reverting back to the ways of the seventies, of hairy men with hairy chests and manly personalities and no feelings. That’s right, Burt Reynolds, you’re a sex symbol again! This year, we foresee a huge boom in the coonskin cap industry and big-cat poaching worldwide, using their pelts for things such as capes and loincloths. To make your chest hair pop, this writer suggests pairing your tiger-skin hot-shorts with a nice, nail-ridden club with which to enchant your lady friends.
4. Meat-based Apparel
The hottest thing to come out on the market will surely be meat-based clothing. High-end vendors, such as Prada, Dulce & Gabanna, and Louis Vuitton will debut their carnal lines in the spring. Some items, such as Prada’s Prosciutto bag and Vera Wang’s Liverwurst kitten heels, have already made a huge splash in the fashion world. Even readily affordable retailers, such as Macy’s and JC Penney, have dipped their toes in the meaty market, meaning you too can baste in your carnivorous couture.
3. Robot arms
In the coming years, you will definitely see an explosion of mechanical arms on all your favorite leading ladies. Pioneering this trend is Angelina Jolie, having replaced her arms with a superior bionic version. Her decision was based on practicality. “I have so many children that picking them up has caused stress and irreversible muscle damage to my biceps and triceps,” the star explained to us. “I chose to replace them so I can always hold and care for my children without fear of my arms becoming useless due to wear.” Other Hollywood starlets are following the trend, including Anne Hathaway, Queen Latifah, and even two of the three Dixie Chicks. Lady Gaga says she will not have any part in this trend because it seems gratuitous, but who is she to be a fashion critic?
2. Wild boars will replace small dogs
Everyone remembers national treasure Tinkerbelle, Paris Hilton’s precious Chihuahua. We loved her, valued her even above the leader of the free world, and when she passes away we will surely make the world’s biggest diamond from her tiny, doggy ashes. But the time has come to move on from small, yappy dogs to something more indicative of our veracious ambition for the future, and what better animal than the wild boar? We believe we will see starlets across the world walking, or maybe even riding, their pets down the street, garnering looks of fear and envy. Even our leading men can get in on the trend, playing on their farms and the beach with their beasts, training them to sic paparazzi at will.
1. Snuggie wedding gowns
The biggest fashion craze to sweep the world since the thong-straps-above-your-jeans fad in the early 2000’s, the Snuggies, like Tinkerbelle, are a national treasure. Even the mother of supposed creator Gary Klegg has become the deity of her own religion in Canada and the northern most regions of the United States. It has invaded and perverted every aspect of our culture—embracing our lazy American lifestyles, while seizing our human need to keep our body temperature at 98.6 degrees. We have already gotten the Snuggie Casual Friday edition, the Snuggie Prom edition, and even the Snuggie Court Ordered Appearance edition. Now it’s time for Snuggie’s biggest accomplishment—Bridal Snuggie! Thousands of brides have been on the phones since the bridal line was announced on the Snuggie website at 12:01 AM, January 1st of this year.
Following these upcoming trends will surely prevent you from becoming a social pariah in your circle of friends, and will keep harsh criticism and violence against your person at bay for weeks to come. We hope you have a fashion-tastic year.
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